Don’t trust men who moisturise

When you watch television more often than you should, the sheer awfulness of the programming makes you take a bit of notice of the adverts.  You must have noticed over the Christmas period how many women there are who suffer from indigestion, heartburn, urinary incontinence and shard uncomfortable stools? 

This last one intrigues me, particularly as women seem to talk about this alleged problem in a bar.  I thought the swiftest remedy would be to move to another bar with more comfortable chairs – then I worked out that they liked talking about constipation.  Strange – I thought most women suffered from verbal diarrhoea.

There are many other advertisements from a strange parallel universe.  We apparently live in a world where a woman dressed in pink materialises in your house if you are plagued by colour runs in your washing.  Also, if you are mad enough to plunge into an icy bit of sea you’re just eh type to buy a lottery ticket.

But the adverts that intrigue me are the male grooming products you should use because you are worth it.  For many years I have feared where razors are going.  First there were two blades, then three – now five blades seem to be de rigueur.  Worse still, the once saintly sporting types with smooth, square chins are being exposed as loathsome cheats. 

We know women are prepared to pay out for hair products advertised by a Geordie lass wearing hair extensions, and mascara endorsed by assorted Americans women wearing false eyelashes.  But now us blokes are being urged to lash out on gunk and goo with moisturising turbochargers which will keep our skin looking smooth and irresistable. 

I am particularly intrigued by some American bit part actor who tells us he looks after his skin (whilst including in a bit of boxing.  We know all actors are phonies, pretending to be something they are not.  So why are we supposed to believe them when they try and sell us things we don’t need?  Because – apparently they are worth it.  But not in my book.